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[18 May 2005|02:27pm] |
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my kidneys are fine! fuck yeah!
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[18 May 2005|12:19am] |
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Crying.
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[13 May 2005|11:39pm] |
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I have the worst fucking hangover ever. Whats worse, nanna is in hospital when i came home there was a note saying nanna had a heart attack. Being still drunk i went on msn and abused people and it didnt register. In the morning i woke up sick as a dog and pop was a mess he insisted on doing the laundry and everything. I sat him down got him to call his daughter gail and she called mum and mum came over and got him into bed. We went back to mums, i nursed my hangover. Then we went back home and picked pop up to go to visit the hospital, he hadnt slept he had cleaned every inch of the house. Nanna was at tweed hospital and when we went into visit her i have to say i was soo fucking relieved, she looked bad but she looked fine, she was up and laughing and talking and teasing poppy and everything. The doctors had said she could come home tomorrow. I was going to cancel my plans to go up to brisbane tomorrow but nanna made this fuss that i dont, and she said her and poppy would like some quiet time once she is home. Although i guess the move to brissie is put off for a few weeks. I still have a hangover.
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| rofl |
[12 May 2005|11:36am] |
LOL
( Read more... )
Sometimes its fun to confuse walton
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[11 May 2005|12:39am] |
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pray for me please. it seems the kidney troubles are coming back.
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[10 May 2005|08:41pm] |
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god damnit! these fucking pills. i am sooooo good damn fucking horny. Im not joking right now i would molest anyone i see. neugh............. *jitters in chair*
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[09 May 2005|08:35pm] |
So mum got her revenge for me not turning up on mothers day. She just brought over 3boxes of my winter stuffs including all coats and boots and bags. To some this may seem like a nice thing to do, but most of you do not know my nanna. She is pedantic about germs, having things in the right places and thinks every item that comes from mums place needs to be disenfected. Mum got me to bring it in, nanna said put it in the garage, mum said No its clothes it needs to go in the laundry, garages have mice. Nanna said what about your place, you have cokaroaches it may have eggs in there. Mum smiled and said oh no we dont the dogs take care of that. Nanna, i hate the smell of dogs this box smells like dogs. Im nearly in fucking tears, the whole atmosphere was vemon and I knew i would be stuck with it like this all week if i didnt do something, So i got the boxes and put them in the garage.The she and I went into my room and had a talk about what i did this weekend, all the while nanna was hovering in the background watching what was said. Its all very well for mum to stire trouble here, but she doesnt live here. I do. She doesnt have to put up with the ranting thats now going on about "Dog Hairs". I do. I have no internet for a week because my 2nd cousin Scott MAY call. I will only be able to sneak on at certain nap times or if i go to a friends place.
I have planned a week though, teusday i was thinking of going to school and visit the art department or go and see HGTTG, wednesday is sarrina russo appointment in the morning and after that i may drop in on someone. Thursday i dont know about the day, but at night i will go out to The Party with the boys. I dont know about friday, i need something to do then. Saturday i will go up to brisbane to room hunt, i want a place by next week, and at the night is Chiizu's party, there are people going i havent seen in ages and i want to see. Sunday i will get home as late as possible. I already feel a headache coming along.
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[09 May 2005|04:02pm] |
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I dont know what the fuck is wrong with me, i just feel so detached. I can never get close to anyone without clamming up, once i get close i begin to go quiet and block things out and god its fucked. I dont feel like i am even here it takes me a whole heap of energy to even huig someone close, not the greeting hugs, a real hug.Even when i do hold handss/hug someone i just feel nothing. I have been like this whith david, lyndah and all others, going through the motions of showing emotion yet not feeling it. i cant stand it. Im crying again and im on the train, i cant seem to stop crying its all coming down. I cant take this shit anymore. I feel like such a fake everyday, being happy and friendly pretending to feel i dont feel anything ive been numb inside for so long and today i relaised it. I just want to feel soemthing when im with soemone.
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[05 May 2005|04:34pm] |
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i feel like hell. I have been crying all day. I really need to move the fuck away from all members of my family STAT. this weekend when im at brisbane i shall look at the notice boards. If im not of this place in the next few weeks i think i will snap. My family are completely fucked up.
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| shoujo is a jerk |
[04 May 2005|07:51pm] |
ビル - iPod Shuffled says:
http://www.searchgalleries.com
HORNY KIKI says:
www.shutthefuckup.com
ビル - iPod Shuffled says:
http://www.sinulator.com
HORNY KIKI says:
www.yousuckdonkeydong.com
ビル - iPod Shuffled says:
www.youwouldknow.com
ビル - iPod Shuffled says:
www.goandhavean.org
HORNY KIKI says:
www.ipleasegirlsbetterthenyou.com
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[04 May 2005|01:45pm] |
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mood |
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 horny |
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had another docs app. today. we talked about my diet and she asked me if there were any questions about the pill i am on. I told her about the constant state of horniness and apparently thats perfectly normal with the high amounts of osterogen now circulating in my body. :o
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| This was writting over a few days |
[03 May 2005|07:45pm] |
Im at mums now its 8 in the morning and im sleeping on the couch. There is no internet here because mum refuses to pay the phone bill.I brought my laptop so I could network it with matt and get some files. Im realy fucking regreting being here. I came yesterday and mum was nearly passed out on the couch with a bottle of beer. Hair of the dog she said, apparently it had been big weekend. I looked around the place is a fucking pigsty, chicken carcasses on the bench, dishes stacked in the sink, empty biscuit packets and beer botlles and fucking crumbs everywhere, the whole place isnt that much better. When i first left mum would ring me up and say how clean the house was without me and it must have been me creating the filth, well my place is clean and tidy and mums is a sty, so it wasnt me. Within about an hour of being there she said clean the rubbish up and do the dishes. It seems every time i come over she expects me to be her house maid. Well no im not doing it, i said Mum its not my job anymore remember, you two are the clean ones. At about lunch time we went to *suprise suprise* the alcohol shop she got beer and i got some UDL's god knows i need it. Throughout the day she managed to insult/abuse/belittle me nearly once every half hour. Then to top it all off they both keep asking me to move back in. I think not, infact i dont even want to fucking turn up to mothers day and i dont think i will. I remember my birthday, drinking with HER friends, listening to insults about my fashion sense. I cant stand my family.
So I am back home, but out of prepaid credit for the net, i dont know how long it will be till i get back on, i am pretty poor thanks to the weekend. I am going to try telstra tomorrow and see if they will place my net bill on a seperate account. Their unlimited net is dearer but i have no credit card and now every single net company needs you to have a credit card or stay locked into a 12mnth contract.
I have my doc appointment tomorrow, i have to get her to fill out my centerlink form and talk about an ovarian biopsy, im not that sure about it still.
Its weird as well i am having conflicting feelings about moving to brisbane again, I dont know, its just right now i have made friends that actually like doing the same things as and are over 18 so i can finally realy go out on the gold coast and have a good time. But still i love brisbane and things are alot cheaper
I spoke with the doc about my pills and the pain, she has put me on this anti-inflamatory and said the day i start the red tablets i am to take the anti inflammatory's and it will help. I had some more blood tests... and i got my c'link form filled out.
And i rang telstra no way of getting the net bill on a seperate account. im more or less stuck with pre paid.
oh and for the last bit this is a bit of TMI
Im fucking horny as all hell.
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| last night |
[30 Apr 2005|11:16am] |
I had such an awesome time. I was ready by about 6, i had nothing to do. I had all smexy black eyeliner, gray lipstick, my black dress, fishnets and my chucks :P I looked awesome, and when bonesy picked us up he said "Id hit that" :P Bonesy picked us up early and we went back to his and he got ready, i had a beer. At 7:30 we hopped in the car and drove to surfers, along the way i finished the beer and bonesy said to chuck the bottle out the window. I did and i got a whole heap of beer backwash over my arm.
We arrived at 8 to find it didnt open till 9 -_-;; being the ddr addict bonesy took us to timezone for a few games then i went and got my traditional slice of chicken pizza from Caville... MMMMM....
By 9 everyone turned up and I must say they looked smashing, gary's black spike collar wasawesome even though it had to be taken off, i loved troys black pvc jacket with all the buckles. We ordered some drinks and went and sat on the stolls and scoped the room for talent :P It seems gary was using me to pick out the straight ones, either that or to get me to hook up with one of the bi/gay ones.
Gary: Are you looking where im looking
(in relation to 2 hot goths near us)
Me: Mmmmhmmmm
(the boyfriends come over and kiss them)
AWWWWWW
Gary: (points to a wanna be rock princess) Is she gay
Me: (looking at her unatractive fat friend next to her) NO
At the start the played some usual pop punk shit. Then the placebo song every you and every me came on, and well my heart went all jumpy and i was tipsy so i swore at the monitor. It was david and I's song.
up until about 11:30 the music they played was Muse, Incubus, Nirvana, Aerosmith, Pearl jam, Good charlott, simple plan and blink.
Bonesy and gary had enough and left by then leaving me james and troy. I managed to have a good convo with troy, he seeoms like a really awesome guy. He was asking me all these questions about what you put in your lj sarah, i told him it was all good. You have a good guy there.
James and Troy had a packed of ciggaretes and because i was drunkish and not thinking i had so many.... I lost count.
At about 12 the awesome music came on, There was disturbed, Manson (my two fav songs, NiN, Satic-X and we all got up and headbanged and just moshed in a way, it was awesome the dancefloor, no sluts grinding there pelvises just local metal heads and goths moshing and head banging. By about the fourth set i was ready to pass out and went and got some water. at the bar some guys tried to buy me a drink, but they looked dubios so i denied, i went and sat down and met daniel, the guy bones calls Downie, he is fairly cool but what is it with guys and tickling me, i am terribly ticklish and i hate it when it happens.
By 1:30 we left because troy had to work at 6:30 i got them to drop me at the service station so i could get a meat pie. Ofcourse being a friday night at 19th Ave the car hoons were parked in the servo and as i was walking up i got whistles then some moron goes
"OMG! i went to school with you, you were a fucking mole, now you are a hottie"
I nearly knocked him out, he was one of the guys who used to give me hell, in math class without me knowing he emptied a bottle of whiteout onto my jumper and would spit at me.
In conclusion I had a fucking awesome time. I didnt kiss anyboys in eyeliner though. Next time the boys go out im coming with :P its nice to have some 18+ friends on the gold coast.
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| blah |
[28 Apr 2005|04:03pm] |
I feel like I am mentally going back to how i used to be before the zoloft. Its weird, i was holdin a big 2L bottle of coke and the size of it, i dont know, it frightened me. Last night i was rubbing a peice of string between my fingers and started to feel all panicky. I feel so suffocated again, i feel at times like I am drowning in a pool of fluff unable to get up or move. The anxiety attacks are coming back, the sleepless nights are already here, as are the nightmares. Despite being on the medication for 2 and a half years maybe it was to early to go off them? I dont know, i just feel all confused again. I was looking through my old journal/poem book, and most of the feelings havent changed much in a few years, but then i dont know, i think i have changed. I mean before i couldnt stop the panic attacks, but now I can, i tell myself to calm down, list what i like and stuff. but i dont know its the nightmares and sleepless nights and the begingings of them that are worrying me. Perhaps this is just a result of too much stress, getting ill, leaving home, worrying about matt and mum, and dealing with a vindictive and wanna be controlling grandmother. I guess now i understand how my mother felt when she was younger and living with nanna, its like she feels she has the right to control every aspect of my life, and im like NO. I guess thats one of the similarities between the woman in our family, despite most being in abusive relationships, they are very strong and domineering. I also feel realy confused about what i want to do with my life. Before when i was younger i had it all planned out I was going to be a big actress or a family lawyer and defend woman who hade been in violent relationships. Now i am really not sure, i try to figure things out, but i feel so stuck.
I also dont feel like i belong here or anywhere, im at nannas and im well an outsider there, when i go back home my place has slowly disspeared, all i am there for is for a pulling toy for nanna and mum to gnaw at.
The gold coast has been getting better for me though, ive become closer to sarah and the boys so now nearly every night we go out and do something and they rescue me from this place. But i stil dont want to stay here, i cant afford to stay here :P the rent on the gold coast is dearer than brisbane.
Well thats my angst session for today.... dont hate me
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| blah |
[28 Apr 2005|11:46am] |
i shall just copy paste the convo... im to pissed of to type it all again
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
blah
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
just got off the phone with this bitch of a lady
Walking Alone, the path is endlessly long........But on bike it's 30 minutes, 15 minutes by Bus says:
did ya?
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
i applied to many random jobs, for centrelink that i dont even want and know i wont get, just to fill my book up
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
but then this lady rings me up and is like I dont see any reception work on you resume
Walking Alone, the path is endlessly long........But on bike it's 30 minutes, 15 minutes by Bus says:
yea
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
and im liked did you read the resume, and sure enough she found the reception wokr
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
then she is like, well its only one page
Walking Alone, the path is endlessly long........But on bike it's 30 minutes, 15 minutes by Bus says:
ha
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
and im like yeah.... im NEW to the whole work thing, you wanted someone 18
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
then she is like "well.... yes.... based on this resume we cant hire you
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
and im like fine
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
but im really screaming you fucking hoe, i dont give a shit, my resume followed all your specifications
Walking Alone, the path is endlessly long........But on bike it's 30 minutes, 15 minutes by Bus says:
shoulda ripped her uterus out
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
and i dont even want your job
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
yeah
kiki||confuscious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger says:
but im thinking why the hell bother ringing me up to ask me shit if you werent going to hire me
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| woot for alcohol |
[27 Apr 2005|09:52am] |
So i was all depressed and shit yesterday and bonesy, sarah and gary took me back to bones's and we got drunk.... although sarah got way more drunk then me (thanks for spilling my drink again) and other fun stuffs happened which may or may not be talked about on here. anyway here is some pics
( Read more... )
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